


April Fools

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Holidays [9]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: April Fools' Day, Crime Fighting, F/M, Fist Fight, Joker and Harley having a good relationship, Sex, Vigilantism, being silly, dressing up like superheroes, foiling robbers, quote from Batman'66
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 03:32:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14276019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Joker and Harley decided to have an April Fool's day party.





	April Fools

Dressed in dark purple slacks and pointed tipped oxfords of black and grey, Joker was tapping to some music playing in his head. He wore a dark green shirt, untucked; the top five buttons were open showing off his pale chest and an orange vest with gold striping, was also hanging open. He leaned back with a grin. He sat in an old kitchen chair, balancing back on the chair’s rear legs, his feet crossed at the ankles on the edge of the table while he puffed on a cigarette and blew smoke rings up at the ceiling. Harley wore a pair of black short shorts and a tight red t-shirt with no bra, and was running around the room barefoot, her hair in a pair of pigtails, taping balloons to the walls. She was also finishing putting up streamers and the best part, she thought, was the posters of famous clowns she had stuck all over the walls. In the center of the room was a large pinata clown that Harley had filled with candy. 

She finished with the balloons, then she had to run down the stairs to grab several bottles of wine they had stolen a couple of weeks ago. She returned to set them on the table narrowing her eyes at Joker who ignored her and continued to blow smoke rings. She had just walked over to where she had a large cardboard box filled with whoopee cushions. 

Harley grabbed two cushions out of the box and turned to glare at Joker. “Are you going to help?” 

Joker puffed, his lips making another series of smoke rings, then grinned at her. “I am helping.” 

Harley folded her arms over her chest, sticking the whoopee cushions under her arms. At the same time she put pressure on the rubber toys, they made loud obnoxious fart noises. Joker, who had just taken another long drag on his cigarette and tried to hold smoke inside his lungs before he started to laugh, smoke coming out of his mouth and nose as he laughed so hard that he almost fell backwards off his chair. 

Harley giggled. Joker laughed. “You almost made me fall over Harls!!” 

Harley grinned. “Serves you right, you ass.” 

Joker giggled hopped up, put the cigarette out on the table’s top, and strolled over to her. She was smiling and glaring at him at the same time. He stopped right in front of her looking down at her with a sexy grin, close enough that his breath stirred her hair. Harley looked up at him. She loved it when he did this...he was so much taller than her; she only reached to his chest. She loved looking up into his blue eyes, so gorgeous, the pale white of his skin, the redness of the lipstick against his lips, God, it made her want to eat him up! He smiled, showing off his gorgeous white teeth…Harley felt every part of her come alive looking at him. Heat pooled in her groin and her breasts tightened. She wanted him so badly that she thought about pushing him down and ravaging him...but she didn’t because there was the exciting possibility of him being the one to ravage her! Harley grinned flirtatiously biting her bottom lip. Joker licked his lips smiling at her as his eyes roamed over her face. “Did you call me an ass?” 

Harley giggled. “I did.” 

Joker reached forward and stroked his fingers over her ear. “Well, it’s true. I am an ass, but I’m an ass who is going to strip you naked and have my way with you.” 

Harley pressed her lips together as her cheeks reddened. “No you’re not. We have a party to get ready for.” 

Joker chuckleed. “Oh yes I am...because I’m an ass, remember?” 

He reached down, his long fingers just barely touching her jaw, gliding his fingers down her neck to the collar of her t-shirt. He tugged the collar down a little before he let go to drag his fingers between her breasts. He gently shoved her arms down and placed his hands over her breasts, squeezing softly. Harley made a little sound of pleasure. 

“Mm…” He murmured with a grin. 

“We don’t have time for this,” Harley whispered back though her smile said she didn’t really care. 

Joker chuckled. “There is always time for a little whoopie.” 

He snatched the whoopie cushions from her hands and squeezed them together creating a terrible sound. Harley burst out laughing and smacked him on the chest. “Tease.” 

She smiled, that sweet yet seductive smile he liked so much, but then she surprised him when she shoved him hard enough in the chest that he took several steps backwards. Harley laughed at the confused, and just a little hurt look on his face when she shoved him, but she did it again, forcing the clown backwards. Joker started to suspect that maybe she really was angry with him... 

“Harley I didn’t mean…” He started, putting his hands up to defend himself, but then the back of his calves hit the old coffee table that sat in their living room. He hit the table hard enough that he dropped to his rear. Harley didn’t stop moving, however; she put her fingers on his chest and shoved him back at the same time straddling his hips. He fell back with a ‘thunk’ sound against the old wooden table. Joker looked up at her unsure of what was about to happen--was she going to hit him? Harley smiled a decidedly cat-like grin as she dropped forward, her hands on either side of his head. She licked her lips in a way that had his mind racing toward images of those lips around his member when she leaned down and ran her tongue along the side of his face. 

Joker giggled. Maybe he wasn’t in trouble after all. Harley sat up, her fingers running down the buttons of his dress shirt where she started to push the buttons through the holes. 

“You need to be punished.” Harley purred, yanking his shirt open once she had all the buttons undone. She ran the flats of her hands up his stomach and over his chest before dragging her fingers down again, her nails pressing into his skin, leaving red lines down his chest. Joker made a small sound of pleasure at the slight pain she caused him. 

He started to open his mouth, but Harley reached up and place a finger on his lips. “Shhh…” 

Joker blinked looking dumbfounded, but he closed his mouth. Harley smiled and leaned down again. This time she ran her tongue over his chest, stopping at his nipple to suck and bite before switching to the other, her attentions leaving a purple bruise on his nipple before she switched to the other. Joker rolled upward with a stupid grin on his face as he reached up to stroke her hair, groaning with each bite she took. She slid down just a little to start the work of unbuttoning and unzipping his pants. 

It only took her a matter of seconds to have his slacks peeled back, hopping off of him just long enough to rip his slacks and boxers to his knees and to strip off her own clothing. Joker grinned. Not only was she not wearing a bra, but she wasn’t wearing any panties either. Once she was naked, Harley crawled back on top of him, the coffee table groaning in protest. 

Harley grinned at him, sitting on his upper thighs, her own thighs clamped around his hips and began to rub his member with one hand, stroking up and down, rubbing the pad of her thumb against the head of his erection, her eyes hooded as she looked down at him and licked her lips watching his expression. 

Joker groaned, tossing his head back against the table, then lifted up to watch her hand once more wrapped around his pale member, stroking up and down. He had just looked down at her stroking when she started to rub him against her clitoris. Joker groaned again watching her, lifting just his head a little while he grabbed the sides of the coffee table watching her hold his shaft against herself while with her other hand she squeezed her breast and pinched her nipple and rubbed against him slowly. 

Joker hissed in pleasure. She was rubbing herself against the underside of his penis...the most sensitive part of his member, using the head to rub hard against her clitoris before sliding up and down him, her breath coming in pants. He watched her, pressed his teeth into his bottom lip doing his best not to say anything. He wanted to say a lot, such as: what does a penis and a Rubik cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets...but he didn’t say it...he didn’t say a word except to grunt or hiss with pleasure as she used him. 

Harley rolled her pelvis, pressing him harder against her. Joker watched her playing with her nipple, her mouth slightly open, her lips red and glistening as she licked them and moaned her sweet endearment for him. 

“Uh...puddin…” 

When she came, she pressed him hard up against her clitoris, arching her back. The hand that had been on her breast dropped backward to squeeze his knee painfully, but pleasurably, her hips rocking against him. 

“Puddin...oh puddin…” 

Joker pressed his lips together on a groan, struggling to hold off his climax a little longer. She rubbed against him a few more times before she grinned down at him. She rose up a little holding him ready, then, with a smile, she slid down on him. 

Joker hissed, his fingers digging into the table, his eyes rolling as she took in him into her, surrounding his member in her warm, inviting body. His eyelids fluttered. She felt so good. 

Harley groaned, her inner muscles tightening around him. 

“Oh puddin…” She cooed. 

She dropped forward with another purred, “Puddin.” 

Joker grinned brightly reaching up to grab her hips. 

“Poo,” he said with a smile. 

Harley giggled and started to raise her hips, sliding all the way up, threatening to lose him before she brought her body back down again. Joker’s eyes rolled as he groaned, his fingers pressing into her skin. 

Harley licked his mouth with the flat of her tongue, squeezing him with her muscles until he jerked. “Harls...ah poo...you...oh sorry, can I talk now?” He grinned and groaned at the same time. 

Harley giggled at him, thrusting her hips up and down before she answered; the movement had him jerking up to meet her thrusts. 

“Mm...You can talk.” Harley caught his bottom lip with her teeth. 

He chuckled softly and whispered, “Thank you poo.” 

Harley giggled again, sitting up and pressing her hands against his chest as she started to grind herself against him, closed her eyes, and rolled her hips with a groan. Joker whimpered, mixed with gasping groans as ripples of pleasure rolled through his body, his hands sliding down from her hips to her thighs. He dug his fingers into her skin holding on tightly, thrusting up occasionally which made the table creak and groan in protest. 

Harley threw her head back moaning loudly as she continued to grind against him. Joker grinned reaching up to grab her breasts, squeezing softly. Harley brought her hands up to cover his long pale fingers with hers. She rolled her hips, moving harder, faster. Joker pressed his teeth into his bottom lip. She was gorgeous, watching the way she completely threw herself into their sex...it was beautiful he thought with a smile. He loved watching her, loved feeling her, loved her...He blinked at the thought, but then quickly let it slip away to focus his attention on how incredible he felt with her on top of him. 

Joker groaned. “Uh..baby...Harls…” 

Harley was panting grinding harder, her head thrown back in complete abandonment. Joker squeezed her breasts and thrust up just as Harley peaked. She cried out dropping her hands to reach behind her and grab his bent knees. Joker dragged his hands down her torso to her hips, holding on and watching the way her body slid up and down his member...beautiful he thought, sliding one hand down her stomach to brush his thumb against her clitoris. She rewarded him by gasping. “Oh puddin!” 

She thrust against his thumb, squeezing and rolling until he hissed. Harley suddenly dropped forward, her hands slamming against the table on either side of his head. She started to move hard and fast yanking his climax from him with a loud groan which he couldn't hold back. He grabbed her waist, holding on while Harley fucked hard and fast. The table was creaking loudly, wobbling back and forth with her movements. She cried out with another climax, digging her nails into the cheap varnish of the table while Joker was panting, twitching and jerking as she drove him to the edge when suddenly, underneath them, there was a loud crack. They shared a look of surprise, and the table collapsed. 

They hit the floor hard with Harley letting out a loud yelp. Joker grunted as his back hit the floor, the table “cushioning” the impact. He had automatically reached up and wrapped his arms protectively around Harley when the table broke, holding her against him. They lay there for a moment staring at each other, then, simultaneously, they both started laughing. 

That was the moment that the door to their living room was thrown open and Bob was standing in the doorway, dressed for the party in a baby blue leotard and tights with a rainbow colored tutu surrounding his waist. He stood in the doorway, a look of panic on his face quickly changing to one of embarrassment when he saw Joker and Harley, with Harley completely naked on top of his Boss, both of them on the remains of what had once been their living room table. 

He smiled, blushing brightly before he slowly stepped back out of the room and closed the door. 

Joker was laughing until he was in tears. 

“Oh heck Harley!! Did you see his face?!” 

Harley frowned. “Poor Bob.” 

“Poor Bob? Pffttt...he’s seen us naked almost as much as we’ve seen each other naked. Hehehehe!” Joker laughed and Harley lightly smacked him on the chest. “You stop that.” But she was giggling along with him. 

They were both still laughing, having not bothered to move when the door suddenly swung open again only to reveal Bob frantically flailing his hands at them. Two seconds later, Frost was pushing past Bob. “Boss, your guests are...Oh shit!” 

Frost saw them and quickly turned his back on them. “Sorry Boss. Ah, Penguin, Riddler, Freeze and Two-Face are here.” 

Joker giggled. “Oh Harley!! We need to get dressed!! You’re making us late for our own party!” 

Harley smacked him lightly on the chest again. “ME? I’m making us late? You weren’t helping!” 

Joker chuckled tossing her off of him. She snarled rolling onto her side, but as he stood up and yanked his slacks up he reached down and grabbed her hand, pulling her up to her feet and wrapping his arm around her waist. 

“Keep them busy boys! Harley and I gotta get dressed!” 

Harley giggled jumping up to wrap her legs around his waist. Joker giggled happily grabbing her and holding her to him as he raced across the room toward their bedroom carrying her on his side. 

* 

Frost watched as Bob, all smiles, poured everyone a glass of wine, except Freeze who stood in the corner, his hands crossed in front of his suit, red goggled eyes taking in the gaily decorated room with a slight sneer. Penguin and Riddler were sitting at the old round dining room table while Two-Face sat on the old couch, his legs crossed while flipping his coin. 

After pouring drinks, Bob hurried over to the old CD player in the corner on a shelf and put some music on. The sounds of Debout Sur Le Zinc singing “Se Dire Adieu” started to play. Frost frowned; he had heard this music and every song that followed, several times over. He sighed, his hand around his pistol flexed a bit as he watched the room of villains nervously. He hated it when Boss and Miss Quinn decided to have a party...it never ended well, but yet these guys always came when one of them called...unless they were in the middle of a fight of some sort. 

Frost glanced over at the bedroom door waiting. He took a deep breath hoping he could get through tonight without getting hurt. 

Penguin pulled out his cigarettes and the long cigarette holder he favored along with his lighter. He stuck a cigarette into the holder and was about to light it when he glanced over at Bob, clearly asking permission without actually verbalizing his request. Bob nodded enthusiastically with a grin. You really had to wonder how much Bob understood about what was going on because, Frost thought, he was pretty much happy-go-lucky whether he was helping the Boss plan a party or shooting bank guards in the chest. Frost pressed his lips together to stop himself from chuckling. But the fact that all of these criminals knew enough to ask Bob for permission was...well hilarious. No one ever wanted to upset Bob, even when Bob wasn’t really anyone to them but Joker’s henchman. Frost frowned. Bob’s position in the gang was part right hand man, part Joker and Harley Quinn nurse maid. It was all really strange, but Frost had to admit, he liked the bald tutu wearing freak as much as the Boss and Miss Quinn did. That was the moment the music changed to what Frost would call extremely creepy sounding calliope music, sounding like the main show of a spooky circus when the door to the bedroom was flung open and Joker came strolling out with Harley on his arm. 

“Hello and welcome my fellow villains and miscreants and Happy April Fools!!” 

Joker stood just outside the doorway dressed like...Frost frowned...like Batman, except...not Batman. Joker’s outfit was dark purple, skin tight and he was wearing a mask like Batman’s, but the ears were pointed so high that they had a wicked sharpness to them. The cape was a wicked looking shredded deal of purple with green buckles across it that seemed to Frost to be trying to hold the cape together. Joker wore dark purple boots up to his knees with black knee pads, the boots consisted of buckles that ran up his legs. He wore fingerless black gloves that ran up to his elbows, also laced with buckles that held sharp silver spikes. His torso was laced with green buckles and a bright yellowish orange bat symbol across his chest. Joker had taken care to paint a bright red smile across his lips that reached up to his cheeks. Frost noted that his Boss also had a utility belt of sorts where he had vials of what looked like his Joker gas, a bundle of dynamite, a holster for his gun, an old fashioned alarm clock with the great big bells, and on his hip, a large pink flower, similar to the one he usually wore on his lapel. 

Miss Quinn, Frost noted, was dressed in her own costume. He figured she supposed to be Robin to the Boss’s Batman? Frost wondered. She had her hair in pigtails, her own black mask across her white painted face. Her lips matched the Boss’s, a deep red grin that spread across her face. Her outfit looked similar to the one he had seen Robin wear, in that the torso was red and she had a little red cape on the back, but she had a large “H” on her breast instead of an “R” and the stitching down the middle barely kept her breasts in place. It was very clear to everyone in the room she wasn’t wearing a bra either. She was fairly bursting at the seams, but from the way the Boss kept looking at her, Frost figured that was definitely on purpose. 

The sleeves were puffy, feminine in white and black. She had a wide belt along her waist with a smiley face belt buckle, along with a little yellow bag hanging from the side of the belt where it bounced against her hip. Frost frowned as he caught sight of something else on Harley’s belt... a series of round, brightly painted balls hung from Harley’s belt that bounced against her hip...but Frost had seen enough of the boss’s work to realize those were definitely bombs Miss Quinn had dangling from her belt. He continued to take in the details of her outfit with its puffy, tutu-like skirt of red and black, a very, very short skirt under which she was wearing what looked like the bottom to a string bikini along with her fishnet stockings, tall, black boots up to her knees with painted red diamonds on the toes. She looked like a cross between a cute magical girl and a sex kitten/stripper. Joker kept dividing his attentions between looking at her cleavage that threatened to pop out of the top, or her ass whenever the skirt flounced with her skipping as she came into the room with him. 

She was carrying in her arms what looked to Frost like several rolls of...cloth? Capes? Leather? He had no idea, but it looked as if there were belts, leather, and Miss Quinn was holding a tiny bucket of...nails? Spikes? And a variety of other things that Frost couldn't be sure of from his position at the other end of the room. 

Harley giggled happily walking over and dumping everything she had been carrying onto the table. Penguin and Riddler grabbing their drinks to avoid the bundle knocking them over. Harley threw her hands up. “I brought party favors!” 

Joker laughed. “I’m so glad you all could come to our little April Fool’s party!” 

Two-Face frowned from his position on the couch. “It’s April ninth clown, not April Fools.” Harvey sighed. “What are we doing here and what do you want?” 

Riddler frowned picking at the bundle of things that Harley had just dumped onto the table. “Riddle me this...What is all this and why are you two dressed like that?” 

Joker giggled. “Because my friends, we are going to do a joke on our dear beloved Batman, an April Fools joke!! Instead of us committing crimes, we are going to prevent them!” Joker clapped his hands with glee laughing. “And since it’s past April 1st, Batsy really won’t be expecting us to do anything!” 

Penguin frowned looking confused, as if he didn’t quite understand what Joker was saying. “We are going to...prevent crimes?” 

Joker wagged his head. “Okay well maybe not prevent, but we are going to catch those evil doers!” He emphasized his sentence by throwing his finger into the air and putting his other hand on his hip. Harley jumped up and down clapping her hands. “Oh puddin, that is so heroic!!” 

Joker giggled. “Do I get a kiss?” 

Harley squealed. “Of course puddin!” 

She threw herself into his arms. Joker grabbed her up, lifting her off her feet, his arms going tight around her waist and planted a passionate kiss on her lips. The others watched with various levels of annoyance as Joker and Harley kissed. Joker picked Harley up and placed her on the table causing the whole thing to rattle and shake, continuing to kiss her heavily. Harley laid back, her legs going around his waist as Joker reached up grabbing her pigtails, one in each hand, his tongue tracing a line down Harley’s throat when Freeze groaned. “If you two are just going to make out I’m leaving.” He turned and started to head toward the door. 

Joker tugged playfully on Harley’s bottom lip before he let her go with a sigh. “Oh fine Freezepop, you are no fun at all.” Joker took a step back from Harley, grabbed her hand and pulled her up. She hopped to her feet with a grin as Joker tugged her up against him. 

“So, Harley has brought you a few things…” He gestured at the items on the table. “All so that you can make your own costumes.” 

Penguin poked at the mess on the table. “Make our own Batman costume?” 

“Yep.” Joker grinned. 

Riddler was smiling, clearly starting to warm up to the idea. “All right...so what’s the point? What’s the answer to the riddle of: why play Batman?” 

Joker rolled his eyes. “Why not? Besides, it will be funny!! Batman won’t know what to do! He can’t haul us in for doing what he does every night now can he? Geez...you know if you have to explain the joke, there’s no joke. To quote a very smart man, “Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better, but the frog dies in the process.” Geez Riddler.” 

Riddler threw his hands up. “Sorry, sorry.” 

Two-face stood up and walked over to the table, half of his face smiling. “I don’t know, might be fun to live a night like Batman...to experience the other half.” 

Joker clapped his hands before pointing at Harvey. “I knew you would get it Harv! Okay boys, let's get going! Sorry that none of you get to have your own sidekick like me.” 

Joker grabbed Harley pressing her up against him. Harley squealed happily. 

All four men exchanged a look and shrugged, reaching out to start sorting through the materials that Harley had brought in. Joker grinned down at her, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“Ready to go keep Gotham safe my sweets?” 

Harley giggled in response. “We are the night!” 

Frost barely kept his groan to himself. He had already known what the plan was for tonight and he wasn’t happy about it, mostly because the Boss and Miss Quinn had insisted that he was to stay at the hideout with Bob...since Batman and Robin didn’t usually have two tagalongs. He glanced over at Bob who looked as cheerful as always. 

Frost sighed softly. 

* 

A couple of Gotham’s finest were making they way down to a call that had come in just a few minutes ago. The woman on the other end had been yelling about some man in the store with a gun when the line had gone dead. The two cops, Martin Lopez and Donald Peak had the siren going as their cruiser rushed down the street toward the store, both officers hoping to get there before anyone was hurt. 

Lopez, who was driving, spun the patrol car around a corner, then aimed at the store just ahead when he slammed on the brakes. He spun the wheel and, with a screech of tires over pavement, pulled into the parking lot of the convenience store. 

Both police officers stepped out of the car, exchanging a confused looked over the hood of the car. A woman came rushing over to him looking annoyed. “It's a good thing I wasn’t counting on you to get your asses here before someone got hurt! Batman’s friend helped me instead.” 

The two cops stared at the front of the convenience store, where two men were frozen to the wall; a sheet of thick ice pinned them against the storefront while additional ice encased their hands that held the guns. The men were moaning. One of them, seeing the cops, whimpered. 

“Please man get us out of here!! I’m so cold it hurts!” 

Lopez frowned at the woman. “You said one of Batman’s friends did this?” 

She nodded grinning at the frozen robbers. “Sure did, had a costumes sorta like Batman’s, but he also kinda looked like that one...seen him on the news...calls himself...Mr. Frozen...frigid...frosty…” 

Peak blinked. “You mean, Mr. Freeze?” 

She grinned pointing at Peak. “That’s the one.” 

The two cops shared another confused look. 

* 

In another part of the city, officer Lisa Xue and her partner Nelson Crowne were answering a call about an attempted rape, or a mugging; the caller hadn’t been clear on what exactly was happening, only that an assault was occurring. 

Xue pulled the car onto 23rd street and Jefferson, the sirens going, lights flashing, when they saw a large crowd had gathered on the sidewalk close to where they were supposed to be answering the call. Xue glanced at her partner with a frown as she took in the crowd. “What the hell?” 

Nelson lifted his brows with a frown of his own. “Maybe they made a citizen’s arrest?” 

“God I hope not, I really hate the paperwork on those.” Xue sighed pulling the car up close. She turned the siren off, the two of them stepping out of the vehicle. The crowd saw them and started to step aside to reveal the suspect lying on the ground hog-tied with a green bow. Xue and Nelson walked over to the crowd. Xue’s gaze shot around quickly making sure no one was about to do anything stupid before she spoke. 

“All right, what's going on here?” Xue asked. 

A young woman came rushing toward them pointing at the man that was all tied up. “Batman’s friend came and took care of him! He told me to give you this.” She handed Xue a folded piece of paper. Xue frowned, sharing a glance with her partner before she unfolded the paper. 

She frowned reading out loud. “What always arrives too late?” 

Xue and Crowne frowned. The woman who had handed them the paper smiled and said. “Regret.” 

* 

Joker was standing on top of one of Gotham’s many buildings looking out onto the cityscape, one leg up on the brick edge and striking a pose with his hands on his hips, his cape whipping in the Gotham breeze behind him. Harley was standing beside him, her fists on her hips, legs shoulder width apart, looking out with him over the vast cityscape of Gotham when Joker muttered dropping his arms, his shoulders sagging. 

“How the hell does Batsy see anything from up here?” 

Harley shrugged picking up the binoculars that she had around her neck and looked around, leaning over the edge on one knee, careful not to knock her baseball bat over which she had brought with her tonight. “I don’t know puddin, maybe he has like Batvision or something?” 

Joker sighed and flopped down on the brick ledge where he had been posing. “Okay, this is getting boring. Doing good is BORING...” He pulled his “utility belt” around, fiddling with it for a bit before he came up with two little dum dum suckers. He unwrapped them, handed one to Harley, who reached over blindly (since she was still looking through the binoculars) and stuck it in her mouth while he stuck the other in his mouth. 

Harley sighed glancing sideways at Joker. “Well, if that old lady hadn’t tried beating you with her purse…” 

Joker glanced up at Harley. He was sitting cross-legged now, his elbows on his knees resting his chin in his hand as he rolled the sucker around in his mouth, the stick wobbling as he drummed his fingers against his cheek. 

He grinned. “She was funny though.” 

Harley giggled. “Yeah she was, didn’t really like Batman did she?” 

“Nope. Could you imagine how that Batdope would feel to know there’s an old lady in Gotham who would rather handle a mugger by herself than put up with Batman?” He started to laugh, which made him laugh harder when he remembered the old lady hitting him with the purse. He might have killed her, but really, that would have defeated the purpose of their April Fool’s joke and besides, she had made him laugh. So he had simply run off. Harley giggled too, her eyes studying the streets of Gotham through her binoculars when she saw something odd. Harley watched it for a few seconds before she made a comment, sticking her sucker in the side of her mouth. 

“Puddin, didn’t that jewelry store down there on 12th go out of business? Handi...or Hand and Over...something like that?” 

Joker frowned in thought for a moment, crunching on his sucker, then chuckled looking up at her, flipping the stick off the ledge. “Yep, Hanover’s--after we robbed it...how many times…” 

He frowned glancing toward the night sky as he silently counted, placing his gloved finger on the fingers of his other hand while he counted down to himself. “Mm...I do believe we hit that place nine times sweets, or was it ten? I’m not really sure, but yeah, they closed a couple of days ago.” He chuckled. “Remember we stopped by, but you now how moving sales are, all the good stuff was gone.” 

Harley giggled, her binoculars still glued to the same spot as she spoke. “They never could seem to figure out how to keep us out could they…” 

Joker laughed. “Nope! I think after the fifth time they gave up trying. Though I have to say it wasn’t any fun anymore after that. It was like phoning it in. A jewelry store robbery is supposed to be fun and thrilling! Exciting!” 

“Yeah, they started to just stay after and hold the door open for us.” Harley giggled again as she continued to watch the jewelry store. 

Harley frowned, her binoculars focused on one spot. Joker watched her as she kept staring, unmoving for a long time. 

“What is it sweets?” he asked tilting his head. He turned to follow the direction of her gaze, but he couldn’t really see much. 

Harley frowned, still looking through the binoculars. “Well, I’m not sure puddin, but it looks like someone’s trying to break into that jewelry store right now.” She made a face and muttered. “The security lights are on...if they just looked inside they would see it’s empty...amateurs.” 

Joker stood and Harley pulled the binoculars off over her head, handing them to him. Joker brought them up to his eyes turning toward where Harley had been focusing. He hadn't realized they were so close to the jewelry shop, Hanover’s Jewelers. It only took him a few seconds before he saw what Harley had spotted. In the alley alongside the closed jewelry store (which had a sign on the front door stating that they were out of business, maybe these highly intelligent members of Gotham society couldn’t read Joker thought) was a small group of five men all wearing rubber masks of...Joker’s eyes widened with glee, they were all Batman. One of the Batmen seemed to be placing plastic explosives along the wall. Joker frowned sticking out his bottom lip in concentration as he studied them. 

“What on earth…” Then he chuckled. “Harley, they’re using plastic explosive on the wall.” 

Harley giggled. “What? But that store is…” 

Joker laughed. “I know!! They are breaking into an empty jewelry store!” 

“Well, pooh.” Harley pouted sitting down on the ledge herself, but Joker was giggling. “Let’s go stop them!” 

“Why? They aren’t stealing anything--it's all gone.” Harley frowned, but Joker grabbed her arm hauling her to her feet. 

“We have to stop them Harley!! We’re Batman and Robin tonight! Besides, they’re stupid...it’s our job to clean up stupid so that the real criminal masterminds--like me--won’t have our good name tarnished by stupid criminals…” 

Harley gave him a sour look. “Just admit you’re bored puddin and messing with them will be fun.” 

Joker grinned brightly. “I’m bored. Let’s go mess with them.” 

Harley giggled with bright eyes. “Okay, let’s go!” 

* 

Tom finished setting the plastic explosives and hurried back over to his friends. Their little gang, the Bats as they had decided (just tonight) to call themselves, all quickly took steps away from the explosive covered wall. 

John frowned. “You sure that is going to be enough?” 

Tom made a noise. “Shut up John, I’m the explosives expert.” 

“Expert? Bullshit, you just looked that shit up on the internet,” John muttered. 

“Yeah well at least I did some research,” Tom said. “Okay, everyone stand back.” 

Tom counted out loud. “One, Two, Three…” 

That was when there was an explosion. 

All the men yelped dropping down as pieces of brick and mortar blasted outward with a billow of smoke and dust. After a few moments, all five men turned to see a hole in the wall, just big enough for them to fit through. John laughed and smacked Tom on the back. “I take back everything I ever said about you.” 

Tom grinned. The men quickly climbed through the hole, entering the jewelry store. The explosion had caused the lights on inside the place to flicker, but they didn’t go out. One of the other Batmen, a man named Dick, turned around looking at the place. “Hey John, something doesn’t look right…these cases don’t look like they gots anything in them...” 

Tom frowned. “That can’t be right, you’re just not looking…” 

One of the other men looked around. “Hey where is the safe?” 

Before anyone could answer, they all heard a laugh echo of the jewelry store walls. 

“HAHAHAAH!!!” 

They all turned to see a shadow; at first they thought it was Batman and Robin. The shadows against the cloud of dust and smoke looked a great deal like the cape crusader and his sidekick, but something wasn’t right. Batman looked too skinny and Robin looked too...sexy. As the smoke began to clear a little more...none of them were really sure who it was that stood before them, hands on his slim hips wearing a strange looking bat costume with a sexy girl in pigtails standing beside him nearly bursting out of her costume. 

Joker grinned glancing sideways at Harley who stood beside him, one hand on her hip the other holding her baseball bat over her shoulder. 

Joker chuckled. “My dear, it seems we have come across some robbers! And what do we do when we come across bad guys?” 

Harley fluttered her eyes putting her finger to the side of her mouth. “I don’t know puddin, what do we do?” 

Joker grinned. “It is the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report to the police when they meet Batmen in jewelry stores.” 

Harley giggled. “Don’t you mean, ‘bad men’ puddin?” 

Joker grinned, his red lips spreading across his pale face under his batman-like cowl. “No my dear, I do mean BATmen...look at them.” 

The five men all stood in confusion, exchanging looks (which Joker found extra hilarious considering they were all wearing Batman masks.) One of them, clearly the bravest of the five, stepped forward and asked. “Aren’t you...the Joker?” 

Joker laughed. “Not tonight good citizen! Tonight I am the…” He frowned in thought then grinned. “It is I, ClownBat and my sidekick Harleybird!” 

Harley frowned. “Harleybird? Really?” 

Joker shrugged. “Hey, I’m coming up with these on the fly pumpkin.” 

Harley made a sour face, but shrugged. “Yeah, Harleybird...fine.” 

The men all looked confused when Tom muttered. “I don’t know who this joker is, but he can’t be THE Joker...I mean...look at him!” 

Joker gasped putting his hand to his chest in shock. “What? What do you mean by that?” 

The man stepped forward pointing at him. “You look ridiculous. I don’t know who the hell you think you are pal, but you and your girlfriend better take off before we get pissed and decide to kick your ass. I don’t know if you two think you’re gonna get in on our heist, but this jewelry store is ours. Now shove the fuck off!” 

Joker turned to Harley his mouth opened in shock. “Harleybird, did you...did you hear the way he just spoke to me?” 

Harley was frowning, her brow furrowed as she smacked her bat into her other hand. “I did puddin. I think we need to kick their asses.” 

Tom, ignoring Joker and Harley, motioned at the other men. “Come on guys we have a job to do, ignore the freaks.” 

Harley yelped. “Hey! You can't get away from Clownbat that easy!" 

Joker frowned and muttered. "Easily." 

Harley turned to look at him, her brow knitted in confusion. “What?” 

Joker said with confidence. "Good grammar is essential, Harleybird. It’s ‘easily.’ Not ‘easy.’” 

Harley imagined the real Batman saying that and giggled. “Thank you puddin. Easily.” 

Joker chuckled. "You're welcome Harleybird. You can thank me later by taking your panties off, putting your breasts in my face while riding me like crazy.” 

Harley giggled. “You got it puddin.” Then she yelled. “HEY! No one ignores Mista...I mean ClownBat!” 

Joker chuckled. “You heard my sidekick.” 

“You know puddin, I don’t think I like ‘sidekick.’” Harley pouted. 

Joker reached over and pinched her ass which caused her to squeal and giggle as he smiled brightly. “Sorry partner.” 

“That’s better. Hey! I don’t think they’re listening puddin. We definitely need to kick their asses.” Harley frowned, her bottom lip sticking out in her irritation. 

“You know Harleybird, I do believe you are correct!” Joker put his finger into the air. “It doesn’t matter that what they are doing is vandalism and not actually robbery since the store here is empty. BUT It is our duty as crime fighters to stop them!!” 

Another one of the men in a Batman mask turned to look at Tom. “What? What did he just say? There’s no loot here? No jewels?” 

Tom hissed. “Randy shut up. Look at them, they're clearly insane. They don’t know what they’re talking about.” 

Harley giggled. “You guys really are some of the stupidest criminals. Can I hit them puddin?” 

Tom turned, hissing at Harley. “Shut up you crazy bitch!” He fumbled for a moment pulling out a switchblade. One of the other masked men muttered. “I thought we all agreed no weapons.” 

Another one muttered. “Tom, don’t go cutting some girl in costume man...that’s just…” 

But Tom wasn’t listening. 

Joker’s smile dropped away as he stared at the one who had yelled at Harley. “What? What did you just say?” 

Tom, clearly thinking that Joker and Harley were unarmed (despite the fact that Harley had a bat) or at least, harmless, turned on Joker and hissed. “I called your whore a crazy bitch.” 

Joker’s eyes narrowed. “No one calls my girl names...no one.” 

Tom walked toward Joker. “Oh, that so twink? What are you going to do about it?” 

Joker smiled. “This.” 

He pulled his gun from his holster to a round of startled gasps from the rubber masked robbers, holding the barrel pointed straight at Tom’s head. 

Tom threw his hands up dropping the knife which fell with a loud clatter against the floor and disappeared into the shadows. His eyes were wide behind his mask as he quickly said. “Hey now settle down, we’re all friends here.” 

Joker smirked. “Oh, NOW we’re all friends eh?” Joker tapped his chin with the fingers of his free hand as if he were giving the thought of being friends real consideration before he grinned. “Mm...nah, I don’t need any more friends.” 

With that Joker pulled the trigger. There was a puff of smoke and a stick popped out to unfurl a flag of bright red that had “BANG” written across it. 

Joker frowned turning the gun toward him and looked down the barrel. “Well, shoot--wrong gun.” 

Tom growled. “That’s it, beat the shit out of these weirdos and let’s get the loot.” 

The men charged, three toward Joker and two toward Harley. 

Joker reached behind his back with both hands. At the small of his back hidden by his cape he had attached two “batarangs.” Unlike Batman’s batarangs, these had been cut so that there were sharp, serrated edges that ran along the curves of the boomerang style weapons. 

Joker grinned brightly as he brought the weapons forward. “Catch!!” 

He threw them, one of the batarangs spinning through the air toward one of the robbers, ripping through the shoulder of one of the masked men as it passed him by. The man let out a startled yell grabbing his shoulder at the sudden ripping of flesh and burst of hot blood and stumbled backwards. 

Joker was laughing as the batarang swung back to him, the edges stained red. He threw the second boomerang, unmarred by blood, with another laugh. This one was aimed at the outspoken leader of the gang of rubber masked Batmans. Tom somehow ducked the blade, which barely missed him, though the tip of the flying blade still cut through the plastic of his mask nicking the man on the cheek, but doing no serious damage. 

Joker laughed. “Don’t forget Harleybird, no killing my dear...not today anyway. We’re the good guys!” 

Harley huffed glancing over to Joker as she grinned viciously, her bat at the ready. “Fine, no killing puddin. Gotcha.” 

As one of the men tried to make a grab for her, Harley easily and quickly yanked her herself out of the way, twisting and turning her body gracefully which she followed with a hard kick to one of the man’s knees. Her booted foot hit his knee with a loud crack and a pain filled holler from the man. She followed her kick with a twist of her body and brought her bat around for an overhead swing. She caught the man in the mask on the top of his head causing him to pitch forward. He somehow kept his footing and Harley hissed, brought her bat over her right shoulder and swung. The end of her bat caught the man in the cheek, snapping his head to the side. The man’s body twisted fully in a comical spin before he went down and didn’t get up. 

Harley giggled. “Batter up Big Boy!” 

The man’s partner stared at his friend, who was now lying unmoving on the floor and let out a squeak as Harley turned her attentions to him. 

* 

Joker frowned while dancing out of the way of the men trying to grab him. “Did you kill him?” 

Harley, swinging her bat at the second man who was smart enough to keep his distance from her shouted back. “Well I tried not to...not sure though puddin.” 

Joker shrugged. “Oh well...what matters is that you tried baby.” 

Harley grinned before taking another swing at the other man trying to grab her. 

Joker giggled catching one of his boomerangs out of the air as the serrated weapon came spinning back through the air to him “Boy I can see why Batman likes to use this little babies, they’re pretty fun!” He smiled looking at each of the wannabe robbers. “All right boys, still want to do this the hard way?” 

The rubber Batman gang’s spokesman growled. “Come on guys, it's just some clown in a Batman costume--we can take him.” 

One of the other men muttered. “I don’t know Tom, I think it might really be the Joker.” 

Tom spat. “Shut up Fred, you asshole!” 

Joker frowned and shook his head. “Ah now, now boys, you really shouldn’t fight like that, it's not very nice.” 

Tom turned on Joker getting right up into Joker’s face and snarled. “Shut up you stupid fuck!” 

Joker blinked. “Whoa...Tom is it? Did a corpse curl up inside your mouth and die because man...I hope you aren’t planning on kissing anyone with that thing…” 

Tom growled, lashed out and slapped Joker across the face. Everyone in the room, including Harley and the man she had been chasing around in a circle with her bat, stopped what they were doing to all let out an “Ooooo!” in unison. 

Joker stood there blinking. 

Tom grinned. “How’d that taste freak?” 

Joker’s lips curled into a grin. “I’m impressed, really.” 

Before Tom could respond, Joker punched him across the face, then grabbed Tom by his shoulders, reared his head back and brought it forward to smash his forehead against Tom’s. Tom yelped, spinning around and grabbing his forehead. “Motherfucker!” 

Joker smiled brightly, the headbutt not affecting him in the least. “Oh Tommy, did that hurt?” 

Tom turned and took a swing at Joker; by now everyone had unconsciously formed a circle around the two men. 

Tom began to swing wildly, his teeth bared in rage, blood slowly flowing down his forehead and around his nose. Joker giggled, putting his hands behind his back as he easily ducked and weaved smoothly out of the way as Tom tried again and again to hit Joker, swinging his fists wildly, his rage taking over. 

Joker smiled, dancing around the circle calmly while talking. “You know Tommy, to me boxing is like ballet, except...there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other...except for you...you can’t seem to hit anything…” 

Joker weaved around, his fist snapping out to hit Tom in his masked face, breaking the man’s nose, the crunch of bone clearly audible, followed by Tom’s yell. 

The man reached up to grab his nose over the rubber mask. “You fuck! You broke my nose!” 

Joker giggled. “Goodness, such language!” 

Tom yanked his mask off to reveal a homely man with thick dark hair, a broken and bloody nose, thick lips and too large ears. 

Joker blinked and chucked. “You should need a license to be that ugly.” 

Tom hissed. “You fucker!” 

He swung wildly at the other man, but Joker ducked and twisted around easily behind Tom and kicked him in the ass. Tom snarled and turned. Once more the man swung crazily, letting his anger rule his actions instead of his thought. Joker ducked, chuckling as he spun around gracefully and kicked the man in the ass again. Tom hissed, turning yet again only to receive another slap to the face. The two men played this game of dancing around in a circle, with Joker easily spinning and twisting like a dancer, kicking Tom in the ass or slapping him repeatedly in the face, or simply ducking under Tom’s wild swings. Joker frowned, slapping his hand across Tom’s face in another humiliating strike. He started to walk away, clearly becoming bored, but Tom grabbed his shoulder, spinning Joker around and swung at him. Joker rolled his eyes and ducked, coming back up to slap his hand across Tom’s face again. His fingers smacked against Tom’s broken nose, which resulted in the man squealing with intense pain and grabbing his face. “You fucker!” 

Tom growled swinging, again. Joker slapped him...again. 

Joker sighed. “Okay, I’m bored and can’t you come up with something more creative to call me than “fucker”?” He muttered to himself. “You know, I’m bored of being bored because being bored is boring.” 

“Harley!” he yelled. 

Harley, who had been watching the exchange with the robbers, giggling each time Joker hit the guy or weaved out of the way of the robber’s swing, perked up when Joker called her and hopped into the middle of the circle of robbers. 

She saluted with a wide grin snapping the heels of her boots together. “Yes puddin?” she replied with a grin. 

Joker sighed, moving in a circle while Tom continued to struggle to swing at him. 

“Pumpkin poo, gas please.” Joker smiled at her, winking as he dodged another wild, clumsy swing from Tom. Harley giggled and reached around her side to pull out a protective mask from the bag hanging on her belt. The mask fit over just her nose, eyes and mouth, a close fit the mask specifically designed for her by her puddin. (Joker didn’t need one for his own gas). Next she pulled off one of several perfectly round purple balls that were also hanging on the side of her belt. A couple were painted with smiley faces, one with “Hahaha!” written on the side and the last one had a kaboom written across it. 

She grabbed one for each hand and giggled happily showing Joker she had them in her hands by throwing her arms in the air. 

Joker glanced over and grinned. “Now!” 

Harley threw the bombs down to the floor as hard as she could. The “bombs” exploded like delicate holiday ornaments, shattering with the tinkle of broken glass. In the same instant, green gas started to flow up and spread from the broken ornaments. 

Harley danced back pulling two more “bombs” off her belt and tossed them down. The gas spread slowly, creeping across the floor like a fog. The men watching the fight didn’t notice at first what was happening, only that they all started to giggle. 

“Well boys, my girl and I have to go. It’s been fun, but...boring really. I’m not precisely sure why Batman does this...not killing anyone is dull.” Joker sighed. “Well...anyway...time to go Harleybird...Oh wait!...” 

Joker grabbed Tom, yanked the man close and held the front of his shirt with one hand while with the other Joker yanked his cowl off. Tom’s eyes became round and wide until only the white was visible as he mumbled. “You...you really...you’re the Joker!” which was followed by an uncontrolled laugh. “HA!! The Joker...hahehehe!” 

The room was swiftly filled with the sound of giggles and breathless laughter, the sounds of men struggling to catch their breath while their bodies were wracked with giggles. Some of the men fell to the floor holding their stomachs, laughing, crying and gasping for breath. 

Harley walked over to where Joker had stopped playing with Tom, who was leaning forward with his hands on his knees coughing and laughing hard enough that tears were rolling down his cheeks. 

Joker grinned brightly, standing back just a little bit while watching Tom with amusement. 

Joker tilted his head, looked at the man. “Yes I am: the one and only JOKER!” 

He smiled with delight throwing his arms up before he grabbed Harley and yanked her against him, pressing her softness against him thinking about taking one of his special boomerangs and popping the stitches along the front of her uniform...imagining her breasts bursting loose in all their soft, creamy glory. He giggled, his smirk crooked for a moment while he thought about burying his face against her breasts...her nipples on his tongue, the way she would wrap her fingers in his hair. 

Joker sighed. His batsuit was becoming tight in the crotch, and turned his attention back to Tom. 

“Lucky for you buddy-boy, tonight we were playing the good guys, so you get to live.” Joker patted his cheek. “But I want you to remember something I’m about to tell you, hold it dear in your heart my love. Keep it close because this is it….you are only alive because I’m allowing it, because right now, I think it’s funny. But if I ever see you again, run into you anywhere in Gotham, at any time, then I am going to take my knife and I am going to cut your dick off, then...then I’m going to shove your dick down your throat and watch you choke on it while you think about how you shouldn’t have insulted my girl.okay?” 

Tom nodded silently, his laughter held in check for just a moment. 

Joker smiled. “Okay good. All right well. We’re off...gotta get my girl out of this costume.” Joker winked at Tom. “Know what I mean? Nice to meet you boys, cops should be here soon. Maybe...don’t know.” 

He shrugged, squeezing Harley’s shoulders.“Come on sweets. I have an itch in my crotch only you can scratch.” 

Harley giggled wrapping her arm around his waist as they headed to the hole the robbers had blown in the wall. Harley glanced back at the thieves, now all lying on the floor of the empty jewelry story. “So puddin, was that the non-lethal laughing gas?” She asked, her voice muffled by her gas mask. 

Joker stopped and frowned in thought. “You know poo...I have no idea.” 

They both started to laugh as he shot his own grappling hook to the top of a building, grabbing Harley around the waist and vanished into the Gotham night.


End file.
